triedunture: (time lord)
[personal profile] triedunture


So this is how I guess pretty much every episode of Torchwood goes:

Alien thingy causes lots of gore and/or sexual sexiness. Team TW punches it in the face/has sex with it. Jack yells "NOOOOO!" a lot. Someone cries. ACTING is done by all.

So I saw the episode with the alien tech that makes people see the past or future. That was pretty disappointing. I mean, the whole knife standoff at the end? Just crazy stupid. And then someone wraps Gwen up in a blanket afterward? Why? I'm reminded of that comedy about being held hostage in a robbery and when they finally escape, everyone's trying to throw blankets on them and they're like WTF WHY DO BLANKETS ALWAYS MAKE AN APPEARANCE IN TRAUMATIC SITUATIONS?

All I'm saying is, man up everybody! So some old dude died. A TON of people have died in every one of your adventures. Just saying.

Then the Cyberwoman episode. Have you ever seen a more blatant excuse for sexualizing a character ever? What was the explanation for the Cybermen suddenly making a new strain that softer, squishy, curvier, and ridiculously wet-dreamy? How come poor Japanese guy got a fucking ugly bolt shot through his eye and head when he was being turned into a Cyberman, but Lisa looked totally fab? This sort of retarded scifi softcore really pisses me off. You want sexy robots attacking the earth? Fine. Just give me a fucking reason! I WILL BUY A REASON IF YOU GIVE ME ONE.

SIGH. And I was really looking forward to some backstory on this Ianto bird. He's an adorable guy, and I want to ship him like mad, but has he done anything so far besides cry, whine, whimper, and generally be useless? MAN UP. And this goes for Gwen and Jack as well! Y'all have way too many emotional outbursts to be effective seeekrit agents in charge of aliens.

And the fairy story. Um, was it ever explained why the fairies killed all those soldiers in Jack's past? Do they just do crazy shit sometimes and there's nothing we can do to stop it? That's sort of a shitty resolution for this madcap adventure! And why did they kill that old woman all of a sudden? JUST so we could see another emotional outburst from the team leader? Jesus effing Christ!

EVERYONE. HAND TORCHWOOD OVER TO ME. I WILL RUN THIS THING LIKE A REAL AMERICAN WOULD. LESS TALK ABOUT FEELINGS. MORE SHOOTING SHIT IN THE FACE.

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triedunture

May 2009

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