Holmes book! Want it? Also, zombies.

[triedunture]

So remember how I was all excited about The Crimes of Dr. Watson? It's an interactive mystery story! I love that kind of crap. It's a book, right? But it's also got clues stuffed into it like newspapers and postcards and notes and such. And you use those clues and yer brainz to solve the crime! Tony and I are big puzzle nerds, so when he came to visit this past week, I had the book ready and waiting for us to read together.

Totally queer? YEAH. BUT ALSO SORT OF AWESOME.

So we stayed up until like 4 in the morning working on it, and guess what? I totally solved the mystery! That's right. I DID IT.

Now, just so you know, I had a lot of fun with this book but gloviously I can't "read" it a second time. I already solved it! So if anyone would like this book as a little gift from me, let me know. All the clues are still there; the only thing that's different is I broke the seal on the final few pages of the book that explain the solution.

OK, now. For everyone who wants to hear the solution on how Tony and I saved Dr. Watson from going to jail for a crime he didn't commit, I'll put it underneath some spoiler space. Skip it if you want to figure it out on your own!

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SPOILER
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SPACE
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NUFF YET?
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OK ALMOST
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All right!

So the story goes like this: Canon-wise, we're in the period of time when Holmes is "dead" after the Falls. Watson is "writing" the book, which is actually a really, really long letter, from his jail cell. He's been accused of murder and arson. Here's how it goes down in a nutshell (because man, Watson blabs on forever).

After Holmes' death, Watson is suspicious of being attacked by the remnants of Moriarty's gang. He keeps getting strange things in the mail: a newspaper from America, a train schedule, a booklet for ordering old-timey sex toys. He doesn't see the connection, but he thinks that perhaps Holmes is alive. In a confusing part of his narrative, he says that at one point he actually is confronted by Holmes in his medical office, but I guess he doesn't completely believe he's real? Whatever. Oh, BTW, Watson is writing this letter to a Colonel in America who is supposed to be a friend of Holmes', because he thinks maybe he will be able to help.

OK, so things are a little weird and Watson is constantly visiting the old rooms at Baker Street. Then one night he's woken by one of the old Irregulars and taken to Baker Street where a strange man is waiting. There's a scuffle and everything goes black for Watson and when he wakes, he's on the street, the Baker Street rooms are on fire, and the strange man in the rooms has been burned to death and apparently is missing a leg. Watson is found with a hacksaw in his hand, so he's accused of dismembering the man, killing him, and then torching the place. Lestrade is disappointed in him. (WTF, Lestrade? SRSLY?)

Right. So the clues start piling up and Tony and I conclude that the mysterious mail had to be from Holmes. We know he's alive and only Holmes would bother communicating in Clue Code. So I'm looking at the newspaper (front page: wife kills husband), the sex toy booklet, the postcard from Niagara Falls, the train schedule south to Maryland, a drawing of a false leg, the empty matchbook with 221B saw papers first written inside, a page from The Time Machine torn into 6 pieces, a drawing of a Morlock, and the arrest report from the night Watson was arrested.

And I'm thinking, Holmes doesn't read Wells, does he? WTF?

Tony and I are staring at the clues for hours, going over every word, comparing names and everything. We conclude from the drawing of the fake leg that the strange dead man actually had the fake leg, but then we sort of get stuck. I'm trying to find clues that lead to one of Moriarty's men, but it's not happening.

Then I toss everything on the floor and go, "Tony, I'm gonna go ahead and say that wife did it."

"Que?"

"Watson kind of snidely says as he's collecting all these clues from Holmes that he doesn't know what to do with them. 'Like I'm gonna take Mary to Niagara. Pfffft.' Bitch probably all pissed that Watson all still in love with Holmes even though he dead."

"He IS spending a retarded amount of time in the old apartment. Shall I open the leaf?"

"Yeah, I mean, it's a dumb guess, but..."

"Oh my god." Tony actually covered his face with his hands. "I don't know what to say. You're fucking right."

\o/ A WINNER IS ME.

It was actually pretty clever, canon-wise. Mary was angry, hired someone to burn down Baker Street, but Watson caught the guy in the act and then shit broke loose. Anyway, long story. The point is, this was a kind of weird and funny way to explain where the fuck Mary went to in canon. And all of Sherlock's clues were all "watch out for your crazy wife!" warnings.

Then came the worst part. Tony and I about punched ourselves in the face for not realizing this. The fucking Colonel that Watson was writing to? His name was an anagram for Sherlock Holmes. It WAS Holmes, and Watson didn't know it, but it's the identity that Holmes was using while he faked his death. But he figured out Watson's case and got him released from jail in the end.

But what a douchebag, right? I mean, if you knew your BFF's wife was gonna burn down a building and possibly allow your BFF to go to prison for murder, could you, maybe, perhaps, just this once, instead of sending a cryptic clue, just write a note that says YOUR WIFE IS BATSHIT INSANE?

Holmes: worst. friend. ever.

OK, so that's over. Now how hard do I want PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES??