I can haz expert writing advice?

[triedunture]

This sort of grew out of the discussion that followed this post last week. I thought it might be [CHOOSE ONE: a) helpful b) annoying c) lulz-worthy] to have a sort of regular talk about writing. And, yanno, how to do it and stuff.

So I present to you:
T'S GIANT EXPERT WRITING ADVICE FOR WRITERS
and other people who wanna write good too



...So yeah. I'm obviously no expert. I got no credentials. But I was thinking it would be [CHOOSE ONE: a) helpful b) annoying c) lulz-worthy] to start a discussion about an aspect of writing and then do that thing we do where we hash it out in the comments. That way, everyone gets a little learning/lul'ing experience!

The first topic is:

Dialog: Your Friend and Neighbor

Step One: Technical Issues

I'm starting with dialog because I think it's something I do pretty well. Not to toot my own horn or nothing, but one of the trickiest things about dialog is fucking punctuating the bitch.

Here's how to do it in American:

"Blah blah blah," he said.

OR

"Blah blah blah." He then did an action.

*Notice the difference between using a comma and a full stop (period) after the line of dialog. Commas are used when the sentence has an addition of "s/he said." Periods are used when the dialog sentence stops and then a new sentence continues with an action and not an addition to the dialog's sentence.*

In action now:

"I love the way your hair feels," House said.

"That's totally messed up." Wilson ruffled his hair self-consciously.

In British, same rules apply except you use single quote marks instead of double:

'I say!' Bertie I-sayed.

*Notice that a comma would be used there normally, but because there's an exclamation point, none is needed.*

Now here's a tricky gambit. How do you quote something within a line of dialog? Example in American:

"Was he angry? I remember him saying something like, 'I'll bathe in your blood,'" House said.

See how it works?

"Blah blah, 'Quoted blah,'" he said.

*Notice how quote marks are just like HTML tags. You have to close them in sets of two. There are two double quotes and two single quotes. Each set surrounds the phrase it is quoting as dialog.*

However, the EXACT OPPOSITE occurs in British:

'I believe his exact words were, "I will stuff you head into a tailpipe," sir.' Jeeves coughed into his fist.

Because the British use single quotes to denote the first speaker, the double quotes do the work of quoting the second. Why did we let language get this way!? I don't know! But isn't it great?

Step Two: Form and Repetition

As noted above, there are two basic types of dialog: the kind where "s/he said" or some form of "said" (sighed, mumbled, shouted, etc.) is attached to the line of dialog, and the kind where an action is added to reinforce the line of dialog. (One could argue that lines of dialog can stand alone and have neither, but I believe having nothing falls under the second category: an action of omission.)

It is a common n00b error to repeat the same pattern of dialog over and over again:

"I'm hungry," he said.

"I'm not," she said.

"Let's get food," he said.

"No, I don't want to," she said.

BORING.

Or how about:

"I'm hungry." He coughed.

"I'm not." She yawned.

"Let's get food." He batted his eyelashes.

"No, I don't want to." She crossed her arms over her chest.

Ugh. Still bad. Better idea! Mix them up:

"I'm hungry," he whined.

"I'm not." She glared at her watch, not even meeting his pitiful gaze.

"Let's get food," he demanded, tugging on her sleeve.

She backhanded him across the face. "No, I don't want to!"

Slightly improved, you see? That's what we like. The eye will get bored if there isn't a ton of physical differences among your lines of dialog. Since chunks of dialog are usually very short, they stand out and shape the aesthetics of your story beyond even the words.

Consider the giant chunks of Bertie's narrative in PG Wodehouse books. These are interspersed with short exchanges of dialog between Bertie and Jeeves that stand alone (literally) on the page:


When I reached my apartment I heard Jeeves moving about in his lair. I
called him.

"Jeeves," I said, "now is the time for all good men to come to the aid
of the party. A stiff b.-and-s. first of all, and then I've a bit of
news for you."

He came back with a tray and a long glass.

"Better have one yourself, Jeeves. You'll need it."

"Later on, perhaps, thank you, sir."

"All right. Please yourself. But you're going to get a shock. You
remember my friend, Mr. Corcoran?"

"Yes, sir."

"And the girl who was to slide gracefully into his uncle's esteem by
writing the book on birds?"

"Perfectly, sir."

"Well, she's slid. She's married the uncle."



These exchanges of dialog work well because 1) the characters are apt to ramble on at times when left unchecked (even Jeeves) and this structure keeps them reigned in, 2) the clipped tones are funny in the context of the long and flowing prose, like a vaudeville punchline and 3) Wodehouse leads us nicely from thick narrative to slightly embellished dialog to bare bones back-and-forth banter.

This is an extremely advanced sort of dialog. Wear protective goggles before giving it a shot. You need powerful characterization to carry it off. Wodehouse had 70 years of it under his belt. It takes a special kind of canon to allow it.

Step Three: How People Really Talk

Another n00b mistake in writing dialog is to not understand how real people actually speak. For the love of all that's good and holy, use a contraction unless special circumstances dictate otherwise. Otherwise you might sound like a stilted robot:

"I'll pay," Wilson sighed, pulling out his wallet.

as opposed to

"I will pay," Wilson robo-sighed, pulling out his robo-wallet.

Special circumstances include writing an historical character that lives in a time before contractions were invented. Like Jeeves:

'I shall return, sir.' And he floated out of the room.

He is rather like a robot, so that's fine. But Bertie needs contractions because they're a part of his easy character.

Other mistakes in writing stilted dialog are more tricky. Sometimes things just sound wrong. This is something I'll probably advise time and again, but reading dialog out loud in your character's voice really helps. That's half the reason why I do simultaneous podfics when I can. It's the best editor in the world, your own voice. If you can't force the words the way your character should, then change it!

This touches on a larger issue which is...

Step Four: Would My Character Say That?

Dialog is so, so powerful. Nothing sets up your characterization more than what your character says, how he reacts to the plot. Even if he says nothing, that's saying something. So be honest when you write your dialog: Would your character say that?

Some fandoms have distinctly tricky problems in this arena. For example:

"Oh, James," House breathed.

is vastly different from

"Oh, Wilson," House breathed.

Some people absolutely rail against one or the other. Their preferences are not the issue here; the job you did at characterization is. If you have House saying "James," you best be damn sure you set the story up to have him arrive at that line of dialog in a logical way, because House's character is decidedly military in using surnames. I've seen it done well in fics, so it's not impossible, but it is difficult. You can't just throw in a "James" in paragraph 1 and expect us to swallow. Give us some plotty sugar to wash it down. (Like, I dunno, a long flashback following paragraph 1 that explains, either literally or metaphorically, why the character has made the change.)

In the same vein, you can't have this pop up in a Jeeves & Wooster story:

'Oh, God! Fuck! Fuck me!' Bertie screamed.

Bertie doesn't curse. He goes to great lengths in his writings to avoid curses. And to say 'God' instead of the more proper 'Lord' is also right out for him. If a character like Bertie says something like this, he better be in an AU or under the influence of some sort of sex drug that unleashes some kind of Tourette's. (Unlikely. But hot to contemplate.)

These are extreme examples, but the lesson can be applied to any fandom or character: there is a set of parameters defined by the characterization that will guide the voice in the dialog. You can sometimes venture outside those parameters, but it must be for a good reason, supported by specific evidence in the plot. At the very least, ensure the dialog sounds like a human being.

Step Five: Man, This is a Long Post OR Use Sparingly

Because dialog is so powerful, I try to use it only when I must. As with most aspects of writing, less is more, cut what's unnecessary, blah blah blah, first year writing workshop stuff. In your final draft, every single word must be defended as necessary, and dialog is no different.

Condense long, rambling, uninteresting dialog into a narrative.

Consider your overall style and, if it leans to the modern sleek kind, chop out bits of dialog where people answer phones and doors.

IMPORTANT: If your characters are having an argument and it's not going anywhere, for God's sake, make something happen. Avoid repeating the same phrases in dialog.

Another way to shorten your dialog: cut out people's names. We think it's natural for two conversing people to say things like:

"House, stop doing that," Wilson said.

"What are you gonna do about it, Wilson?" House asked.

But it's not! It's just repeating names over and over. If there are only 2 people in the conversation, there's no need to double-check who's speaking to whom. Use names for powerful moments, not banter.

Exception (because there always is one): "Jeeves" and "sir" for comedic effect and characterization purposes. Modern people don't speak like Jeeves and Bertie; in fact, no one ever has spoken like Jeeves and Bertie. A shame. But their use of the honorific is based in canon. Don't muck with it outside of Wodehouse fics unless you're going for comedic effect.


WHEW! I really talked my ass off there. Sorry to sound so "GRRRR RULES" but this is just what I've found to be helpful to me. How about y'all? Dialog issues and woes? Success stories and niggling things that peeve you? Or just tell me to shut my mouth...

"And I will," I said.